Wordplay Quotes

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."

Anthony Oettinger

"Love loves to love love."

James Joyce

“He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.”

“It ain't the heat, it's the humility.”

“A fool and his money are soon elected.”

“If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.”

“Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”

“The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.”

“Life is just a bowl of pits.”

“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”

“What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.”

“Carpe per diem: seize the check.”

“Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it "all the money," but they changed it to "alimony." It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.”

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool opotamus?”

“I'd like to get four people who do cartwheels very good, and make a cart.”

“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.”

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

“I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”

“Go, and never darken my towels again.”