W. C. Fields Quotes

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”

“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”

“There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”

“Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”

“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”

“If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.”

“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”

“Never give a sucker an even break.”

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”

“I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.”

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

“I never met a kid I liked.”

“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”

“Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”

“You can't trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”

“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.”

“I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.”

“I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food.”

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”

“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”