“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”Groucho Marx
WitSelf Deprecating
Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the best funny quotes from Groucho Marx, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Robin Williams, Steven Wright, Erma Bombeck and more to make you laugh out loud.
“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.”Groucho Marx
PrinciplesWit
“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”Groucho Marx
SarcasmParties
“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”
Mark Twain
FactsWit
“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”
Mark Twain
ProcrastinationLaziness
“The report of my death was an exaggeration.”
Mark Twain
WitFamous Lines
“I can resist everything except temptation.”Oscar Wilde
TemptationWit
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”Oscar Wilde
ForgivenessEnemies
“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”Oscar Wilde
ClevernessSelf Deprecating
“What's another word for thesaurus?”
Steven Wright
WordsOne Liners
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
LifeOne Liners
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”Mitch Hedberg
PlantsOne Liners
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
Lily Tomlin
DreamsSelf Deprecating
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
Margaret Mead
IndividualityIrony
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”Robin Williams
TrafficObservational
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
SillyOne Liners
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”George Carlin
WeatherOne Liners
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
Isaac Asimov
Know It AllsWit
“If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.”
Laurence J. Peter
LogicOne Liners
“Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.”
Fran Lebowitz
LifeSleep
“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.”
Robert Benchley
WorkProcrastination
“Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.”
Ogden Nash
ProgressWit
“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.”
Rita Rudner
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”
Charles Dudley Warner
WeatherObservational
“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
Bill Watterson
RealityShort Quotes
Related Topics
About Funny Quotes
Laughter really is good medicine. A clever one-liner can brighten a bad day, break the ice at work or make a birthday card unforgettable. Some of history's greatest minds, and its greatest comedians, have left us lines that are still making people laugh decades later.
This collection brings together 200 of the best funny quotes from comedians, writers and wits, including Groucho Marx, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Robin Williams, Steven Wright, Erma Bombeck, Woody Allen and George Bernard Shaw. Share them with friends, use them in captions, or keep a few handy for when someone needs a smile. For more, explore our [Humor Quotes](/topics/humor-quotes) and [Positive Quotes](/topics/positive-quotes).
Frequently asked questions
Quick answers about Funny quotes.
What is the funniest quote of all time?
Groucho Marx's "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member" is one of the most famous. Mark Twain's "The report of my death was an exaggeration" is another classic.
What are some good funny one-liners?
Try Steven Wright's "I intend to live forever. So far, so good," Mitch Hedberg's "An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs," or Yogi Berra's "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
What are some funny quotes about work?
Douglas Adams said, "I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." Ronald Reagan joked that hard work never killed anyone, "but I figure why take the chance?"
What are some funny quotes about family?
George Burns said happiness is "having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." Erma Bombeck advised, "Never have more children than you have car windows."
Did Abraham Lincoln say "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool"?
It's often credited to Lincoln or Mark Twain, but the earliest known version comes from writer Maurice Switzer in 1906. That's why we credit it to him.
What is a short funny quote for a caption?
Try "My favourite animal is steak," "Include me out," "Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving" or "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."