Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“I get no respect!”

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“When I was a kid, I got no respect. When I played hide-and-seek, they wouldn't even look for me.”

“When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through."

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”

“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”

“I came from a real tough neighbourhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.”

“Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, "Make me a zombie." He said, "God beat me to it."

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you're ugly too."

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous: everyone hasn't met me yet.”

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.”

“I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.”

“Life is just a bowl of pits.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”