Phyllis Diller Quotes

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

“Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.”

“I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.”

“My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.”

“My father used to call me the laughing hyena.”

“A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.”

“The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.”

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.”

“I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: eat out.”

“I asked the waiter, "Is this milk fresh?" He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age: as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

“I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”

“Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.”

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”