Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, "No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah."

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

“Fettuccine alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”

“Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many.”

“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”

“Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”

“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun-sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?”

“I wear a necklace, 'cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”

“I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12. I was prolific.”

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool opotamus?”

“I'd like to get four people who do cartwheels very good, and make a cart.”

“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”

“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”