Groucho Marx Quotes

“Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”

“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8 to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.”

“Go, and never darken my towels again.”

“I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.”

“Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

“Time wounds all heels.”

“Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!”

“If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”

“I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

“I've got the brain of a four-year-old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”

“Quote me as saying I was misquoted.”

“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”

“Humour is reason gone mad.”

“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”