Funny Quotes

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”

Erma Bombeck

“My photographs don't do me justice; they just look like me.”

“I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

Joan Rivers

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”

Rita Rudner

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

Rita Rudner

“Having a two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.”

Ellen DeGeneres

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.”

Paula Poundstone

“You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.”

Jay Leno

“Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.”

Johnny Carson

“I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.”

Bob Hope

“Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.”

George Burns

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”

Mark Twain

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

Mark Twain

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

“I like talking to a brick wall; it's the only thing in the world that never contradicts me.”

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”

Dorothy Parker

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”

Mae West

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

Woody Allen

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

Woody Allen

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

Steven Wright

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.”

Steven Wright