“Heaven for climate, and hell for society.”
Mark Twain
HeavenWitty
Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the funniest quotes ever from Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Benjamin Franklin, Ambrose Bierce and more. Witty, clever and guaranteed to make you smile.
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”
Charles Dudley Warner
WeatherWitty
“In the spring I have counted one hundred and thirty-six different kinds of weather inside of four-and-twenty hours.”
Mark Twain
WeatherExaggeration
“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.”
Mark Twain
HabitsClever
“The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds.”
Mark Twain
IdeasSuccess
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.”
Mark Twain
BraggingAnimals
“All kings is mostly rapscallions.”
Mark Twain
KingsSarcasm
“Nothing succeeds like excess.”
Oscar Wilde
ExcessWitty
“Punctuality is the thief of time.”
Oscar Wilde
TimeLazy
“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.”
Oscar Wilde
LoveMarriage
“Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.”
Oscar Wilde
SeriousnessClever
“Divorces are made in Heaven.”
Oscar Wilde
MarriageIrony
“I don't play accurately - any one can play accurately - but I play with wonderful expression.”
Oscar Wilde
MusicSelf-Confidence
“Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only people who can't get into it do that.”
Oscar Wilde
SocietySnobbery
“I am not at all cynical, I have merely got experience, which, however, is very much the same thing.”
Oscar Wilde
ExperienceCynicism
“Hunger is the best pickle.”
Benjamin Franklin
FoodHunger
“God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.”
Benjamin Franklin
DoctorsMoney
“Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.”
Ambrose Bierce
LawyersDefinitions
“Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.”
Ambrose Bierce
ArgumentsDefinitions
“Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.”
Ambrose Bierce
OpinionsDefinitions
“Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.”
Ambrose Bierce
CynicismDefinitions
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
Ambrose Bierce
LoveMarriage
“Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.”
Ambrose Bierce
MarriageDefinitions
“Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”
Ambrose Bierce
MoneyFriendship
“Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.”
Ambrose Bierce
TechnologyDefinitions