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Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the best funny quotes from Groucho Marx, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Robin Williams, Steven Wright, Erma Bombeck and more to make you laugh out loud.
“The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.”
Terry Pratchett
WritingWit
“Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.”
P. G. Wodehouse
FateWit
“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.”
Ogden Nash
DogsPets
“Laughter need not be cut out of anything, since it improves everything.”
James Thurber
LaughterHumour
“He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.”Benjamin Franklin
EgoWit
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”Abraham Lincoln
WordsInsults
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”Winston Churchill
InsultsWit
“If A is success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut.”
Albert Einstein
SuccessSilence
“Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.”
Ray Cummings
“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”George Bernard Shaw
LifeHumour
“Second marriage: the triumph of hope over experience.”
Samuel Johnson
“Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken.”
Jonathan Swift
PromisesWit
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”
Jane Austen
MarriageFamous Lines
"Curiouser and curiouser!" cried Alice.”
Lewis Carroll
CuriosityFamous Lines
“Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six, result happiness.”
Charles Dickens
MoneyBudgeting
“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”
Henny Youngman
LearningOne Liners
“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”Rodney Dangerfield
SportsOne Liners
“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”Yogi Berra
ChoicesYogi-isms
“It's déjà vu all over again.”Yogi Berra
WordplayYogi-isms
“Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.”Yogi Berra
LogicYogi-isms
“Include me out.”
Samuel Goldwyn
WordplayShort Quotes
“A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.”
Samuel Goldwyn
BusinessWordplay
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
UniverseWit
“I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.”
Charles M. Schulz
PeopleWit