“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”
Milton Berle
MeetingsWork
Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the best funny quotes from Groucho Marx, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Robin Williams, Steven Wright, Erma Bombeck and more to make you laugh out loud.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
Annoying PeopleWit
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
Victor Borge
ChristmasGuests
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.”
Albert Einstein
TaxesWit
“The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.”
Thomas Edison
BrainWit
“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”Benjamin Franklin
TaxesFamous Lines
“History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.”Winston Churchill
HistoryConfidence
“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.”Abraham Lincoln
HonestyWit
“I've been told that hard work never killed anyone, but I figure why take the chance?”Ronald Reagan
WorkLaziness
“Common sense is not so common.”
Voltaire
Common SenseShort Quotes
“Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.”
Samuel Johnson
WritingCriticism
“Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
Alexander Pope
ExpectationsWit
“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
Jane Austen
PeopleWit
“Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
Lewis Carroll
ImaginationBreakfast
“He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.”
P. G. Wodehouse
MoodsWit
“I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.”
P. G. Wodehouse
WordplayMoods
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”
Douglas Adams
“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”
Terry Pratchett
TechnologyWit
“Patience: a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.”
Ambrose Bierce
PatienceDefinitions
“Egotist: a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”
Ambrose Bierce
EgoDefinitions
“Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.”
H. L. Mencken
ConscienceWit
“Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"Robin Williams
SpringSeasons
“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”George Carlin
CynicismInsight
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Lily Tomlin
“I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.”
Steve Martin
LifeSilly