“Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.”
Ambrose Bierce
DefinitionsVanity
Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the funniest quotes ever from Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Benjamin Franklin, Ambrose Bierce and more. Witty, clever and guaranteed to make you smile.
“Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think.”
Ambrose Bierce
DefinitionsClever
“Apologize, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.”
Ambrose Bierce
DefinitionsSarcasm
“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”
Ambrose Bierce
EnvyDefinitions
“I can't sit still and see another man slaving and working. I want to get up and superintend, and walk round with my hands in my pockets, and tell him what to do.”
Jerome K. Jerome
WorkLazy
“I never read a patent medicine advertisement without being impelled to the conclusion that I am suffering from the particular disease therein dealt with.”
Jerome K. Jerome
HealthSelf-Mocking
“Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.”
Jerome K. Jerome
LoveWitty
“Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.”
George Bernard Shaw
CleverGolden Rule
“The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.”
George Bernard Shaw
RulesIrony
“An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable.”
George Bernard Shaw
SarcasmWitty
“There is no love sincerer than the love of food.”
George Bernard Shaw
FoodLove
“A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.”
G. K. Chesterton
BooksWriters
“To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
G. K. Chesterton
MoneyIrony
“An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do.”
Jane Austen
ParentsMarriage
“A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing any thing, should conceal it as well as she can.”
Jane Austen
SarcasmWomen
“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
Jane Austen
PeopleWitty
“Brevity is the soul of wit.”
William Shakespeare
WitClever
“Lord, what fools these mortals be!”
William Shakespeare
FoolsHuman Nature
“Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.”
William Shakespeare
MadnessClever
“I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.”
Voltaire
EnemiesPrayer
“If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.”
Voltaire
CleverIrony
“Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy.”
Samuel Johnson
DrinkingWitty
“It's over, and can't be helped, and that's one consolation, as they always say in Turkey, ven they cuts the wrong man's head off.”
Charles Dickens
Dark HumorAcceptance
“The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday - but never jam to-day.”
Lewis Carroll
NonsenseFood
“When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.”
Lewis Carroll
WordsNonsense