“We drink one another's healths and spoil our own.”
Jerome K. Jerome
DrinkingIrony
Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the funniest quotes ever from Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Benjamin Franklin, Ambrose Bierce and more. Witty, clever and guaranteed to make you smile.
“Hell is full of musical amateurs.”
George Bernard Shaw
MusicWitty
“The man with toothache thinks everyone happy whose teeth are sound.”
George Bernard Shaw
EnvyHealth
“Tradition means giving votes to the most obscure of all classes, our ancestors. It is the democracy of the dead.”
G. K. Chesterton
TraditionClever
“If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.”
G. K. Chesterton
EffortIrony
“There are no uninteresting things, only uninterested people.”
G. K. Chesterton
CuriosityClever
“Curiouser and curiouser!”
Lewis Carroll
CuriosityNonsense
“Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.”
Lewis Carroll
LogicNonsense
“Let us all be happy, and live within our means, even if we have to borrer the money to do it with.”
Artemus Ward
MoneyHappiness
“I am not a politician, and my other habits are good.”
Artemus Ward
PoliticsHabits
“The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.”
Josh Billings
FoolsAdvice
“There are two things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that is - twins.”
Josh Billings
ParentingFamily
“Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.”
Josh Billings
SilenceArguments
“Trust everybody, but cut the cards.”
Finley Peter Dunne
TrustAdvice
“A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew th' facts iv th' case.”
Finley Peter Dunne
FanaticsWitty
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”
Kin Hubbard
MoneyAdvice
“Nobody ever forgets where he buried a hatchet.”
Kin Hubbard
GrudgesForgiveness
“It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.”
Kin Hubbard
HappinessMoney
“The cook was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went.”
Saki
FoodWordplay
“I always say beauty is only sin deep.”
Saki
BeautyWordplay
“Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions.”
Stephen Leacock
ChaosNonsense
“No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money.”
Samuel Johnson
WritersMoney
“Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.”
Jonathan Swift
LawSarcasm
“The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.”
William Shakespeare
LawyersDark Humor
“He hath eaten me out of house and home.”
William Shakespeare
FoodGuests