“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”George Carlin
DrivingObservational
Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the best funny quotes from Groucho Marx, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Robin Williams, Steven Wright, Erma Bombeck and more to make you laugh out loud.
“Carpe per diem: seize the check.”Robin Williams
MoneyWordplay
“Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.”
Steve Martin
WordsSilly
“Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.”
Lily Tomlin
StressReality
“My favourite animal is steak.”
Fran Lebowitz
FoodOne Liners
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
Erma Bombeck
“For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.”
Douglas Adams
SillyBooks
“It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.”
P. G. Wodehouse
ApologiesWit
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.”
Ogden Nash
“Humour is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.”
James Thurber
HumourDefinitions
“Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”Benjamin Franklin
SecretsWit
“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
Maurice Switzer
SilenceWisdom
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”Winston Churchill
AnimalsWit
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
Albert Einstein
“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”George Bernard Shaw
ObservationCynicism
“I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it.”
Voltaire
EnemiesWit
“One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.”
Jane Austen
PeopleWit
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”
Henny Youngman
DoctorsOne Liners
“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”
Henny Youngman
MoneyOne Liners
“I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.”
Milton Berle
LaughterLife
“I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”
Jack Benny
AwardsHumility
“Comedy is tragedy plus time.”
Carol Burnett
ComedyShort Quotes
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
LaughterShort Quotes
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”Will Rogers
SilenceAdvice
“There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
Bill Watterson
LazinessTime