“Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”
Ambrose Bierce
DefinitionsSarcasm
Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the funniest quotes ever from Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Benjamin Franklin, Ambrose Bierce and more. Witty, clever and guaranteed to make you smile.
“Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.”
Ambrose Bierce
PatienceDefinitions
“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”
Ambrose Bierce
VanityDefinitions
“Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow.”
Ambrose Bierce
FriendshipSarcasm
“Advice, n. The smallest current coin.”
Ambrose Bierce
AdviceDefinitions
“Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.”
Ambrose Bierce
PoliticsDefinitions
“Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.”
Ambrose Bierce
EnvyDefinitions
“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
Jerome K. Jerome
WorkLazy
“It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.”
Jerome K. Jerome
TruthLies
“It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.”
Jerome K. Jerome
LazyWork
“He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.”
George Bernard Shaw
TeachersWitty
“There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.”
George Bernard Shaw
LifeIrony
“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”
George Bernard Shaw
ProgressClever
“Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.”
G. K. Chesterton
LightnessClever
“The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.”
G. K. Chesterton
NeighboursWitty
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”
Jane Austen
MarriageMoney
“For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?”
Jane Austen
NeighboursLife
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
William Shakespeare
WitFools
“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.”
William Shakespeare
WisdomFools
“If the law supposes that, the law is a ass - a idiot.”
Charles Dickens
LawSarcasm
“Common sense is not so common.”
Voltaire
Common SenseSarcasm
“The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.”
Voltaire
DoctorsHealth
“Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.”
Samuel Johnson
MarriageWitty
“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
Samuel Johnson
MarriageHope
“Wagner's music is better than it sounds.”
Bill Nye
MusicWitty