“I am easily satisfied with the very best.”Winston Churchill
StandardsWit
Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the best funny quotes from Groucho Marx, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Robin Williams, Steven Wright, Erma Bombeck and more to make you laugh out loud.
“Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.”Winston Churchill
GolfSports
“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen
FearWit
“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
Woody Allen
“I don't get no respect.”Rodney Dangerfield
RespectCatchphrases
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.”
Bob Hope
MoneyBanks
“Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.”Will Rogers
HumourObservational
“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.”Will Rogers
MoneyWit
“I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?”
Jerry Seinfeld
WeddingsObservational
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where she is.”
Ellen DeGeneres
FamilyExercise
“If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.”
Erma Bombeck
LaughterAttitude
“My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.”
Erma Bombeck
HouseworkLaziness
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”Phyllis Diller
ParentingHousework
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
Joan Rivers
HouseworkSarcasm
“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”
Dorothy Parker
CuriosityWit
“I always advise people never to give advice.”
P. G. Wodehouse
AdviceIrony
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
Douglas Adams
WorkDeadlines
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
Terry Pratchett
Open MindWit
“I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.”George Bernard Shaw
ConversationSelf Deprecating
“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.”George Bernard Shaw
TruthHumour
“Fish and visitors stink after three days.”Benjamin Franklin
GuestsWit
“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”Abraham Lincoln
Self DeprecatingWit
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
SilenceWisdom
“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.”
Mae West
TemptationWit
“Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
WorrySilly