“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”Groucho Marx
MarriageWit
Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the best funny quotes from Groucho Marx, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Robin Williams, Steven Wright, Erma Bombeck and more to make you laugh out loud.
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”Groucho Marx
InsultsWit
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
Mark Twain
FashionWit
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
Mark Twain
WitFamous Lines
“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.”
Mark Twain
Human NatureWit
“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.”Oscar Wilde
TemptationWit
“There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”Oscar Wilde
FameGossip
“England and America are two countries separated by a common language.”George Bernard Shaw
LanguageWit
“I hate writing, I love having written.”
Dorothy Parker
WritingWork
“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.”
Robert Benchley
WritingSelf Deprecating
“It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.”
James Thurber
CuriosityWit
“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.”Will Rogers
ExperienceMistakes
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”Mitch Hedberg
SleepOne Liners
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
Steven Wright
WalkingOne Liners
“I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world.”
Steven Wright
HobbiesOne Liners
“According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Public SpeakingObservational
“Procrastinate now, don't put it off.”
Ellen DeGeneres
ProcrastinationOne Liners
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”Rodney Dangerfield
MarriageOne Liners
“Take my wife... please.”
Henny Youngman
MarriageCatchphrases
“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”Phyllis Diller
HouseworkLaziness
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
DoctorsAdvice
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
Erma Bombeck
DessertSeize The Day
“I'm not funny. What I am is brave.”
Lucille Ball
CourageComedy
“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”
Bob Hope
Middle AgeGetting Older
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns