“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”
Mark Twain
FactsSarcasm
Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the funniest quotes ever from Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Benjamin Franklin, Ambrose Bierce and more. Witty, clever and guaranteed to make you smile.
“When in doubt, tell the truth.”
Mark Twain
TruthAdvice
“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.”
Mark Twain
PoliticsSarcasm
“Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.”
Mark Twain
LifeDark Humor
“Consider well the proportion of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.”
Mark Twain
YouthWitty
“Always obey your parents, when they are present.”
Mark Twain
ParentsAdvice
“Tell the truth or trump - but get the trick.”
Mark Twain
TruthWinning
“Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.”
Oscar Wilde
MarriageWitty
“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.”
Oscar Wilde
AdviceIrony
“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.”
Oscar Wilde
MothersWitty
“I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.”
Oscar Wilde
IronyCharacter
“The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.”
Oscar Wilde
BooksIrony
“In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing.”
Oscar Wilde
StyleWitty
“Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.”
Oscar Wilde
FathersFamily
“The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden. It ends with Revelations.”
Oscar Wilde
RelationshipsClever
“Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.”
Benjamin Franklin
MoneyAdvice
“He's a fool that makes his doctor his heir.”
Benjamin Franklin
DoctorsMoney
“There's more old drunkards than old doctors.”
Benjamin Franklin
DoctorsDrinking
“Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.”
Benjamin Franklin
MarriageLove
“Alone, adj. In bad company.”
Ambrose Bierce
DefinitionsSolitude
“Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.”
Ambrose Bierce
DefinitionsNew Year
“Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.”
Ambrose Bierce
DefinitionsManners
“Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.”
Ambrose Bierce
DefinitionsFuture
“Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.”
Ambrose Bierce
DefinitionsSarcasm
“Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.”
Ambrose Bierce
DefinitionsSuccess