Funny Quotes

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

Steven Wright

“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”

Steven Wright

“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver.”

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.”

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”

Mark Twain

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”

Mark Twain

“Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.”

“I am not at all cynical, I have merely got experience, which, however, is very much the same thing.”

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

Dorothy Parker

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes.”

Erma Bombeck

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”

Erma Bombeck

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: eat out.”

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

Rita Rudner

“There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”

Bob Hope

“I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.”

George Burns

“I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”

Woody Allen

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

Woody Allen

“If it's the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number?”

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”

Lily Tomlin

“Think before you speak. Read before you think.”

Fran Lebowitz