“Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.”
Ambrose Bierce
BirthdayDefinitions
Funny Quotes
200 FAMOUS QUOTES · FUNNY
Funny Quotes
Read 200 of the funniest quotes ever from Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Benjamin Franklin, Ambrose Bierce and more. Witty, clever and guaranteed to make you smile.
“Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.”
Ambrose Bierce
DrinkingDefinitions
“Dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.”
Ambrose Bierce
DentistsMoney
“Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”
Ambrose Bierce
EducationDefinitions
“Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.”
Ambrose Bierce
MoneyDefinitions
“Money, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.”
Ambrose Bierce
MoneyDefinitions
“Noise, n. A stench in the ear.”
Ambrose Bierce
NoiseDefinitions
“Once, adv. Enough.”
Ambrose Bierce
ShortDefinitions
“Twice, adv. Once too often.”
Ambrose Bierce
ShortDefinitions
“Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.”
Ambrose Bierce
PoliticsDefinitions
“Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.”
Ambrose Bierce
ReligionDefinitions
“The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.”
Mark Twain
WordsWriting
“October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.”
Mark Twain
MoneyStock Market
“There is no such thing as 'the Queen's English.' The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares!”
Mark Twain
LanguageWitty
“Be good and you will be lonesome.”
Mark Twain
IronyLife
“You want to be very careful about lying; otherwise you are nearly sure to get caught.”
Mark Twain
LiesAdvice
“Even popularity can be overdone.”
Mark Twain
FameWitty
“I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays.”
Oscar Wilde
CleverIrony
“If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.”
Oscar Wilde
FashionVanity
“The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous.”
Oscar Wilde
MarriageIrony
“Twenty years of romance makes a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.”
Oscar Wilde
MarriageWitty
“Vulgarity is simply the conduct of other people.”
Oscar Wilde
MannersSarcasm
“Conscience and cowardice are really the same things.”
Oscar Wilde
ConscienceCynicism
“Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.”
Josh Billings
PersistenceWitty
“It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.”
Josh Billings
KnowledgeWitty