George Carlin Quotes

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“Some people see things that are and ask, "Why?" Some people dream of things that never were and ask, "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”

“Always do whatever's next.”

“Think off-centre.”

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

“When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?”

“There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.”

“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.”

“The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.”

“People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.”

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

“Some see the glass half-empty, some see the glass half-full. I see the glass as too big.”

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

“If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.”

“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?”

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”

“Electricity is really just organised lightning.”