Groucho Marx Quotes

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows; marriage does.”

“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”

“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”

“Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.”

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

“I'm not feeling very well. I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

“I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

"There's a man outside with a big black moustache." "Tell him I've got one."

"Sir, you have the advantage of me." "Not yet I haven't, but wait till I get you outside."

“Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.”

“Room service? Send up a larger room.”

“Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.”

“My favourite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually tells you something.”

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

“I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions: the curtain was up.”

“There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him. If he says "Yes," you know he is a crook.”

“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”

“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”

“No man goes before his time, unless the boss leaves early.”

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”

“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west.”

“This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach.”