Humour Quotes

“I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.”

“I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.”

“I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.”

“Can't ever catch enough balls.”

“If anyone asks me a fantasy football question or for help, I don't respond.”

“Over the years, I've learned that a sense of humor is the only skill that allows you to turn sucking at life into a career.”

“Even the most embarrassing mishap can be spun into comedic gold.”

“Humour allows people to exhale a little.”

“The only two characters I can play convincingly are myself and a dumber and sweeter version of myself.”

“I have one of the worst voices in the history of recorded time.”

“I don't wear flip-flops, so my casual shoe is a Brooks Brothers tuxedo slipper!”

“Chefs have the ego of an actor and fashion designer combined.”

“I garden in my Brooks Brothers pajamas and straw hat.”

“A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes.”

“I bought an electric scooter in sixth grade. Bankrupted me.”

“If I splurge on anything, it's cologne. I love smelling good.”

“I'm bad at returning phone calls.”

“When you're wearing a motorcycle helmet, people don't know who you are.”

“Big fan of salmon and pasta, a classic Indian dish.”

“People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing; that's why we recommend it daily.”

“I'm so optimistic, I'd go after Moby Dick in a rowboat and take the tartar sauce with me.”

“Money isn't the most important thing in life, but it's reasonably close to oxygen on the "gotta have it" scale.”

“Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find out for themselves.”

“Isn't it amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?”

“It's like déjà vu all over again.”