Humour Quotes

“Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.”

“Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.”

“The British nation is unique in this respect: they are the only people who like to be told how bad things are.”

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”

“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”

“There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.”

“We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.”

“Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.”

“Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.”

“Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.”

“Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.”

“The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.”

“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

“There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”

“Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.”

“This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.”

“I am not a member of any organised political party. I am a Democrat.”

“The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.”

“The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal: they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.”

“On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.”

“Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.”

“Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.”

“I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. They say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.”

“Laughter is America's most important export.”