Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations: we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”

“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.”

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

“What a dog I got. His favourite bone is in my arm.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.”