Phyllis Diller Quotes

“My photographs don't do me justice; they just look like me.”

“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”

“You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.”

“You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.”

“You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.”

“Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”

“The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.”

“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

“The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”

“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”

“If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.”