George Carlin Quotes

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.”

“Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.”

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.”

“When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.”

“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”

“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”

“I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realise I'm listening to it.”

“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.”

“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”

“When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.”

“The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”

“In World War I, that condition was called shell shock. Simple, honest, direct language.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise half of them are stupider than that.”

“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“The planet isn't going anywhere. We are!”

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

“I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.”

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

“Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.”

“Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?”