One Liners Quotes

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

Steven Wright

“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member.”

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

Steven Wright

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.”

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

“What's another word for thesaurus?”

Steven Wright

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

Steve Martin

“If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.”

Laurence J. Peter

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”

Steven Wright

“I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world.”

Steven Wright

“Procrastinate now, don't put it off.”

Ellen DeGeneres

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

Rita Rudner

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”

Mae West

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.”

Steven Wright

“My favourite animal is steak.”

Fran Lebowitz

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”

Henny Youngman

“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”

Henny Youngman

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

Steven Wright

“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”

Steven Wright

“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver.”