Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kebabs.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

“I wish I could play Little League now. I'd be way better than before.”

“It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?”

“People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”

“Dogs are forever in the push-up position.”

“I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”

“If I had nine of my fingers missing, I wouldn't type any slower.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavour, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”

“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.”

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.”

“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”

“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”

“I like to hold the microphone cord like this. I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”

“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”